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Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
12:21 am
Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give.

(Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts you so much it's like choking...choking)

I can give you freedom from your guilt,
with a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.

I can give you death with the look upon my face.

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.
Mourn, wish the end
Mourn, wish the end
Mourn, wish the end

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have...
I'll never have... I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...
standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down...come down...I cherish you...I cherish you.
Just say that you would do the same for me...
just say you would do the same for me...
just say you would do the same...
just say you would do the same, for me
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.

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Friday, October 16th, 2009
8:04 pm - Bubbly Wrap....
lets get fucked up and die!

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Sunday, September 20th, 2009
2:14 am - Don't leave me waiting here, lead me to your door.
I feel like updating. But dont exactly know what i want to say. I apologize if this seems a little sporadic.

I began thinking. What if love doesnt necessarily have to be with a person. but it could be with a dog, a song, a band, a memory, a fucking piece of pizza. It sounds nuts, but just a thought.

And thats when i realized im better off not thinking :)

There is one song that always gets me. no matter what mood im in, it always brings a tear or two. The long and winding road, from of course, the beatles. Its fucking beautiful and incredible every way imaginable. It gives me ridiculous goosebumps, and i love it. Although it makes me sad, im not gonna not listen to it just because of something retarded like that. i was high one night, driving and listening to the song. And realized what it was about. Blew my mind. Even though its basically hidden in plain view, but it made me smile, and sad at the same time. i give mccartney props on that shit.

Im really fucking tired. but cant sleep. I work in like six hours. I just got out of work. I went to an amatos party last night in hollis. way the fuck out there. And it wasnt as boring as i thought it'd be. it was pretty sweet. Everyone was drunk and crazy. Its funny seeing my managers wasted, brings a better bond. But i couldnt sleep for shit last night either.

I think im gonna go visit my sister for thanksgiving. we are closed on that day, and i could probably request a few more days off, since im going to see her. It would be fun. my first time flying, and id probably be alone, probably freak out. but music is the key. but i fucking miss my sister. i feel we are more alike than anyone else in the family. Actually, probably pretty damn close to exact.

also, im taking a cut in weed. Its kind of affecting me now, like when im stoned, I get super anxious...sometimes, not all the time. but more anxious than usual..idk, something like that cant lead to good things, soooo i need to take it easy on that.

im actually able to save a little bit of money now. I only have like 600. But its better than check to check. But it doesnt really matter because itll all be gone by the end of the month. fucking bills.

this isnt going anywhere. I just keep typing shit and deleting it because im retarded.

But im gonna 'smoke the days last cigarette, remembering what she said.' even though she didnt say anything.

current mood: groggy

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Monday, September 14th, 2009
11:48 pm - Im falling down, and youre not there to catch my fall.
Its been a shitty day. I hate going to bed alone. I hate waking up and realizing im the biggest loser i know. I hate craving to drink every night so i dont have to think. Yeah, i guess i have an addicting personality. But why cant I get addicted to a person. I mean, besides someone i cant be with. it always pans out that way. i dont know what im getting at. Maybe ill do something, make myself sexy so i dont have to be alone. haha. that was funny even to me. LAUGH!

On my way to work today, i had this feeling, or a mindset. not a great one.


I need a change. Something maybe drastic, maybe non-drastic. i cant think of the fucking word right now. I want a road trip. But cant afford it. i want to do so many impossible things, but cant do em.

But ill try, and try. And eventually end up insane.

Corey wants his computer back. So goodnight.

current mood: anxious

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Sunday, September 6th, 2009
9:05 pm - I took a moment from my day and wrapped it up in things you say.
And mailed it off to you.

I know. i tell myself i enjoy life. I do. Its just the little fractures in my brain that set off little missles that attack my emotions. And its not like i can fucking predict this shit. If i could, wouldnt you think I'd do my damn best to avoid it? I cant deny the inevitable, its just something i have to deal with, and something i hope people can understand. Cuz its pretty inconvenient. Sort of like a 2 year old playing with a loaded revolver. As soon as you hear that loud BANG, which you never know when the bang will occur. But as soon as you hear it, you know youre in a shitstorm of shit.

Ive been wasting all my time just dealing with it. and not actually doing anything to try and help it. It sucks. Obviously id rather be happy. All the time. But i honestly dont think anyone is. Its impossible. I hate bringing other people down so i hide it anyway i can.

So the next time i freak out on livejournal, maybe you wont think im just striving for attention. Or, better yet, looking for sympathy. Its just something i do instead of plan B. Which i hope never happens again.

However, there are things about myself i wouldnt change. which is good i guess, finally realizing it now. And much thanks to the people who have made me realize that. Even if ive never talked to you about this shit, just knowing i can trust you means the world to me. I feel that i have the best friends and family ever. I live with the boys i know ill never lose contact with. My best friend who knows me to the tee, and thinks my insecurities are cute. Who could probably call me out on every emotion i could be feeling. Who is exactly like me, the only person in the universe who can relate to me. And yet it kills me, because i feel that even though these things i say are true. Ive still fucked her over, kinda. And that could be part of my episodes.

And thats another thing. Whenever I feel like im in a positive mood, something bad pops into my head, something ive done, or something that has happened earlier in life, and i get shaky and everything just fucks me up. Like right now. So.... im gonna go jam.

current mood: frustrated

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Friday, August 28th, 2009
1:14 am - I have a friend, i have a friend with a knife.
so..... Its been awhile. Probably because ive been sleeping fine. I still am. Ive just been feeling weird. a nonexisting weird. Like im in a dream, of my own. I dont know. Its hard to explain, and impossible for anyone besides myself to understand. eh.

Im so indecisive. Its fucking retarded. I cant stand it.

A lot of judgemental pricks would just blame it on drugs and alcohol. But fuck that. and fuck you if you think that. Its way more than that. Its easy to reason to that first and its fucking bullshit.

I dont know what im doing on this fucking thing. So many better ways to deal with shit.


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Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
11:41 pm - She said you hurt her so, she almost lost her mind.
So i was about to buy a ticket to the heroes of woodstock. But tom relayed a message to me. Apparently the woodstock show is part of a two day festival which i had no idea about, called alliance fest. The first night, the 8th, is a bunch of bands playing. There are gonna be three stages, so there must be a shit ton of bands playing. The best part is, we're playing it, surprisingly. Which means i get in free, and that excites the shit out of me. Also, it seems as though its kind of like a.... harvest fest type thing. So yeah, its gonna be a good time. Super.

I quit beckys. I still might have to work later in the week, but at least i gave them a notice. Its not bad job, well washing dishes sucks, but the people i work with kick ass and ill miss them. I was planning on working both jobs until i got everything i needed. But i honestly am too weak to work 7 days a week any longer. It sucks, it was really dragging me down. But at least i dont owe money to anyone now, and i can just save up now.Id like to keep busy, but id rather not be stressed out the whole time. So bye bye.

Im still waiting on the others to get ready so we can go to the beach. We've all been going like once or twice a week. To either drink or smoke there. Its just nice and relaxing to ease your mind while watching and hearing the waves crash around you. Its beautiful. I think i prefer the beach at night over day. No ones around, you can just chill and not have to worry. Plus its gorgeous. Id love to live on the beach. I was actually thinking about just sleeping on the beach randomly. Build fires, play music, lift spirits, just add some peace to my life. But then i wake up and there are people playing in the water. And i step out into the day light and feel awkward as shit. But who knows, maybe sleeping on the beach is legal.

Not that anyone cares, but i like to reminisce about drug experiences. First off, ive never done anything extremely harmful to me. Ive taken them to kind of expand my mind, and sort of just realize things for what they were, not for what my mind made them out to be. I like to just sit and think, and appreciate. but sometimes nothing goes the way you plan. And this is what happened to me. It was like no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop my mind from thinking bad things, about death, the meaning of life, and paranoia. I guess this is the point when i realized i needed to just stop. Or only use when ive been happy, or moderately. It was weird, bad weird. it was like I wasnt alive, i just felt like i was there, like a piece of fabric, a complete waste of space. Of course i knew in the back of my mind that i probably just ate way too much, and i had to tell myself literally every minute that it will all be over soon and that everything would be fine. I mean, i couldnt even listen to the beatles because i got so depressed. So i listened to sublime and the grateful dead and phish. Idk, it was the first time I can say that i didnt enjoy my trip. It was all mind, i didnt hallucinate anything, which i never have. I dont know what im trying to say. i guess I just need to be more careful, more controlled, and more aware. Im not exactly the most sane person in the world, and im probably not someone that should take psychedelic drugs. Chances are if youre doing it as an escape, its gonna do way more harm than good. I never really understood that until that day. It wasnt all bad though. I mean when i was thinking, I did realize and understand better. I mean i was thinking about bad things, but i understood more afterward. It just got to a point where it scared me, And thats when i had to calm myself down and surround myself with my roommates.

But i guess its good i went though that, now i have a better understanding of my tolerance. Its hard being around people because theres a good change they dont know what its like. So they act normal obviously, but normal to them, is frightening and awkward to you.

I just need to not take anything else until im ready. Im not going through that again.

Im still waiting for word on the beach, Which should be very soon. so im gonna continue this happy buzz and wait longer.

night all.

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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
12:13 am - Oh, sweet darling, you'll get the best of my love.
I regret things. Alot. Maybe thats why I cant do anything right nowadays. I wish SOMETIMES, my stupid bitch of an ex girlfriend would leave me alone. for good. Maybe die, that would at least make me a little happier. Ive never hated anyone more than her. Not even shawn, my moms ex, whos a fucking slimeball. I know youre reading this, and dont reply. Just know that Id rather never hear from you again. Just dont talk to me. ever. I honestly cant stand you, i feel that you are the worst person ive ever met. and its not just because of all the dumb shit youve done. Im past that. I cant stand you, and you need to get that through your fucking fatass head. Honestly i wouldnt give a flying fuck i read your obituary in the paper. I would be so fucking happy that i wouldnt have to worry about your stupid ass ever contacting me again. Youre a stupid bitch, i cant believe i was such a fool for you. I regret ever talking to you in study hall. I wish i gutted you like the filthy pig you are instead.

Now, stop trying to get me to talk to you, stop asking me retarded questions. Just leave me alone and ill forget you entirely.

Ok. From now on, ill never talk about her again. She brings out the worst in me. And i apologize.

ON A BETTER NOTE. Im making some changes in my life. Im swearing off any drug harder that pot. And im taking a cut in alcohol. I feel that ive just literally wasted the past 4 years of my life. Between cuntrag and drinking. My liver has to be just about dead. and im not even able to drink legally. Im just scared i guess, which is good cuz its one of the few things thatll get it through to me.

enough of that. on an even better note. the band recorded a couple songs, they sound pretty decent, im really surprised.

But im gonna go now, and ease my mind. night.

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Tuesday, June 30th, 2009
11:57 pm - kneel down and kiss the earth, and show me what this thought is worth
id like to live beneath the dirt, a tiny space to move and breathe is all that i would ever need.
where id be free from push and shove, like all those swarming up above.
Shout your name into the wind, Ill riddle in the earth and dew
And sometimes i will think of you
and if you ever think of me, Kneel down and kiss the earth, and show me what this thought is worth.
Ill never hear your voice again.

Ive had alot on my mind lately. I figured i'd get drunk and think some more. And thats precisely what im doing. My phone's been broken for a few days now. It kind of sucks, but its kind of nice not relying on it for anything. But with all the shit i have to do, it sucks in that aspect. I should be getting it back tomorrow, hopefully. The thing that sucks the most, is I knew all day i'd need a few drinks. But loneliness is the last thing I want, and thats whats happening. Kincer's sleeping, chris is i have no clue where. Corey and shanna are in lewiston. Tom's hanging out with some girl from work. So i took it upon myself to borrow coreys computer.

My moods have been very spontaneous lately. They always have been, but moreso in the past week. All day today, all i could think about was putting a bullet in my head. But I didnt, obviously, which some would say is a damn shame that i didnt. Ive just been thinking so much, its driving me crazy. Even being drunk, or high, or on some other psychedelic doesnt exactly do the trick. |

I guess its all because of a girl. Which im crazy for letting it get to me. But ever since I've met this girl, ive been so drawn to her. Shes incredible. Part of me wants to say once i know her inside and out ill hate her. But the other part of me tells me that she's perfect, which is what I truly believe. But of course i thought that about catherine too, and I know what had happened to that. But she is amazing. and it sucks cuz its kind of getting to me. but i dont wanna talk about it to her, because im just weird like that. I mean, i know i can talk to her about anything, but i think im just too paranoid, and self conscious i guess ( and its not from drugs, ive always been like this.) I met her not even a year ago, but my roommates and her roommates hangout every friggin night. I can honestly say shes one of my best girl-friends. Along with micaiah. Its kind of funny, but the thing that drew me to her was her infatuation with the beatles. If there was one word I could describe her as, it'd be euphoric.

And im gonna stop with that now, because its not helping.

Anyways, ive been so fucking busy the past four months. I work at amatos as a delivery driver, and at a restaurant washing dishes. So ive worked every fucking day since. But its worth it cuz i finally paid tom off, and my dad, now all i have to worry about is paying back micaiah. And also buying shit that im gonna need in the next year such as: a computer, a car, and at least 2000 for when i move. Im gonna be working 7 days a week for a long ass time.

I dont know what i wanted to say in this entry, but when i figure out what i wanna i say, i will.

Till then, take care.

current mood: blah

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Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
11:00 pm - ...But somehow ive got you to carry on.
ive come to the conclusion that rolling stone magazine is a fucking joke. Read the 100 best guitar solos of all time.

It sickens me.

Fuck this world and its appreciation for good fucking music.

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Sunday, April 5th, 2009
10:58 pm - And your seizure-like finger is dead on the trigger.
And I feel tonight, that I let you die. But you could have lived forever it took smiles to keep you alive.

You guys are gonna think im so stupid. But fuck you :)

If I had to pick one thing in this world that I could not live without itd be music. For sure. I was driving to micaiahs earlier today, listening to the beatles and floyd and the eagles. And the songs made me cry. Not because I was sad or anything, just because the music is fucking beautiful. And it just hits me in weird ways, but i wouldnt change it for the world because it makes me not want to die all the time. Its probably the only thing that really helps me.

So yeah, its evident that i need to do something with music for a career. Only because I cant imagine myself doing anything else. Or else, I would probably stick a knife in my fucking eye. So im not wasting anymore time. Im just gonna write non stop and hopefully improve at it. Im not much of a writer as it is, but i have to change that. Its the only thing I can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life.

Im listening to the small time blues right now, and its making me cry. Haha. Im so gay.

Also. this loneliness issue of mine has to stop. Its destroying me, it has been... actually. And Im not letting it anymore, because its fucking ridiculous.

I thought i had something else to say, but i cant think of it right now, so fuck it.

I still want to start a beatles tribute band, but no one will do it :(

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Friday, March 27th, 2009
9:08 pm - So many years I was searching, so many years i was wasting.
I had my first fucked up day in a couple weeks. I had this incredibly fucked up dream that set it off. It scared the shit out of me. and i woke up with a soaked pillow with blurry eyes. Certain things just really bother me. Not catherine. Just stupid shit, that i shouldnt even be worrying about. Or maybe i should. I dont even know. But i couldnt go back to sleeping, or napping. So I got up, smoked a cigarette, and told corey about it. He thinks im a psycho for letting something like that get to me.

I agree. Im slipping.

Im trying not to worry, or panic, or cry, but I dont know how to stop these things from bugging me. I want to have the ability to turn my brain off. Only for a little while, a week. maybe a month. Just to not have to think. Its gonna sound fucking retarded. Im sorry.

I dont know what it is im missing. Maybe i just need to chill out. Not be so nervous all the time, or scared really. I pick the wrong people. obviously.

I dont know. Nevermind. Its pointless for even myself to understand what it is im trying to say.

So im not gonna bother trying to explain it to anyone who doesnt give a shit.

or that i even talk to anymore.

im sorry. I need to shut the fuck up and knock myself out.

current mood: uncomfortable

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Sunday, March 22nd, 2009
10:31 pm - please, stay, i wanna hear you play the small time blues

ok. So his name is Erik Mongraine. Not andrew or peter. haha.

also. You should all check out the song 'Small time blues' from peter droge.

Both fucking amazing. AMAZING!!!!

current mood: drunk

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12:57 pm - Its been a long, long, long time.
I went to a beatles tribute band show last night. It was fucking awesome considering this is the closest ill ever get to seeing the best musicians that earth will ever see. In my opinion anyways. They didnt do any recent shit though, from abbey road or let it be. But nonetheless, it was a great experience. I guess this band comes to portland every couple months, so Im going to go to each and every one!

My brother steve drove 9 hours just for it. What a guy. My whole family was there except mike and james, and the rents. They bought me some beers :) And shanna (who may love the beatles as much as I) was there. Her and muff loved eachother. I like it when people get along, have fun, all to the sweet sounds of fantastic music. Oh, and a doors tribute band played too. They were great, but their singer tried to act just like jim morrisson, which i guess is part of the show. It was just rather amusing. But they kicked ass, and the floor was bumping. My sister and shanna tried making me dance. But i honestly have never danced in my life and i feel like a goddamn fool. I know its not hard to do, its just nerve-wracking and kind of embarrassing. If i tried, not when other people do. I wish i was more outgoing, everything would be easier.

Ive taken a new approach. I quit my medication like a week and a half ago. I cant help but think it was only adding to my craziness. So I quit, like everything else i do. I've also decided to take the path where life leads me. I cant change whats already going to happen to me. So i guess i have to just take it all in. Im trying to play shit cool, with girls. I figure I try too hard. And it has never worked out for me like that.

Its weird how much a pill can change you. I didnt change that much on them, i just never thought Id do some of the random shit I did. Also, before meds, i was able to watch the goriest, most sadistic shit while eating ribs. And after a couple months of being on them horror movies made me kind of sick. It goes with metal too. I was the biggest metal head. But also after a couple months of being on them i thought, "all this shit is the same. What makes these bands different?" But now that im off them, im miraculously listening to metal on a daily basis, and wishing i had more horror movies :( Dont get me wrong. The beatles and floyd are still by far my favorite bands ( not that it would ever change from that)

A couple weeks ago i had somewhat of an epiphany. And since that night everything has been going ok. well everything really sucks, but as far as my mentality, its been going good. I mean, i still have the shakes and the paranoia and the self confidence issues. But i havent done anything bad to myself besides drink and smoke. And i havent really gotten sad for more than a day. At least its an improvement, and im looking up. So hopefully improvements increase.

The boys and the girls (9 of us total) are planning to move down to the south. Maybe Charleston. Thats what jules recommends and i trust her opinion over anybodies. Plus shes me in girl form. We were going to try and move once our lease runs up here, which is in august. But if we did that we might all be fucked. Saving a shit ton of money is a must. And my car wont even make it down there so im gonna have to buy a new one. But we found a bunch of GORGEOUS 9 bedroom houses, that were like 2500. Sounds like a lot, but being split nine ways totally makes it/anything worth it. I want to move near the beach though. Thats really my only preference. I just want to be able to go out on the beach at sunset; Smoke a joint, drink some whiskey, and sit there and talk with friends until the sun comes up. Ive been pulling all nighters almost every other night, so i think i could handle it. But how amazing would it be to be able to do that whenever the fuck you wanted? It would be so mind freeing and soothing. Ahh. Thinking about it makes me smell the salt water and hear the dolphins. Hell id even sleep on the beach.

So if we cant make it this year, then we are going to move next year. I just hope we all stay as close as we've been since we moved here. But no matter what, Im getting the fuck out of maine by the end of next year. Time to start living my life. Its nice thinking about.

When I was first introduced to the idea, i panicked. The thought of being away from my family kinda scared me. But i thought about it, and If i stay in maine im going no where. And i can visit, but ive never been away from them. But i guess there isnt much of a difference since i barely even see them now. which is shitty of me. Ill be on my own. Completely. The other thing, more so that worries me, is being away from micaiah. Shes the person ive connected to best, and i think its going to be hard dealing with that. Never seeing her, maybe once a year if that. Im afraid to grow apart, just typing this makes me cry. Its hard to deal with it as it is, only being an hour from her. Shes the best friend I could ever imagine. Actually, i cant even imagine it. it just is.

There is only one good thing that came from my relationship with catherine. And that was meeting her 'best friend.' God, thats a shitty thing to say haha. But i DONT FUCKING CARE!!! Shes the best person I've ever met. I want to do something really special for her. but I cant decide what
it should be. But ill figure it out. Before I move.

Me, kincer, and tom have been jamming together a lot lately. And its fun. Theyre both pretty good at what they do. kincer is probably the best song writer out of us, and toms def. the best learner. We want to get andy in on this, but hes in orono. But he would be perfect for it. We've
decided that if we actually call ourselves a band, that we are not going to label ourselves under a specific genre. Personally, id like to do everything, little bit of metal, bit of classic southern rock, bit of ambient, acoustic, covers. All kinds of shit. I dont like being in a band that is just one fucking style, its so stupid. Especially when everyone in the band loves
every type of music that doesnt involve rap. It would be sweet mixing styles too. Like southern metal, or classic style punk, or ambient metal. Wherever this band takes us, i hope we make most
progress when we move.

I really need to work on writing though. I have so many problems with that. Its hard for me to write a song that satisfies me. I want nothing less than the best I can produce. I need to work on lyrics too. Ive never really written lyrics before. As soon as I get an acoustic though, its fucking happening. Maybe I would have an easier time collaborating with kincer. I dont know. Maybe its just my playing style I hate about my music. I feel like i can do so much better, but the harder I try, the worse it sounds. Try less?

Ive had a lot on my mind. But none of its bad. And im glad to finally say that. Its hard denying access to certain parts of your brain, but it works out so much better that way. For me at least. I still have my mood swings though. But theyre mostly short, and fixable. This is going to sound crazy. But i almost feel like if it werent for the beatles, this wouldnt have happened. I know i sound like a stupid obsessed teenage girl, but really, they make me feel things Ive never felt before. haha, not even from a woman!!! And there is so much more to them than twist and shout, or she loves you. Really, if you guys love music, you really need to branch out.

Speaking of branching out, Shanna has been showing me all kinds of fucking incredible music. One guy, fuck whats his name... something mongraine... maybe peter or andrew mongraine? Idk. But hes fucking so good. he plays an acoustic, and his style is kind of like classical/nothing ive ever heard before. He can play man. As soon as i remember his name ill update it. Another band, which im sure most of you have heard of, sigur ros. From iceland, dont sing in english but make beautiful music. She showed me a couple ambient bands, I cant remember their names. one day, soon, im going over to her apartment and stealing a shit load of her music from her itunes. Its been a long ass time since Ive updated my ipod. Im scared for it to fail. Because then id lose all my beatles music, except for what i have on cd.

I was due for a long entry. i apologize if somebody actually reads this whole thing. But its been awhile since Ive updated. I think that pretty much covers everything i wanted to say. Today
I plan on going to find a bday present for shanna, and maybe buy a nice pair of slacks. And probably getting fucked up! Woop!

On my ending note. If you like poppy beatles, check out the word. Good song, and fun to listen to, and think about.

current mood: calm

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Sunday, March 8th, 2009
4:52 pm
sometimes... i feel like ripping the sun from the sky. or the moon from our universe, if its night time.

I wish i could do certain things. these things stop me from enjoying life.

i dont know. Im rather indecisive right now. Im just really moody right now, and it pisses me off.

time to smoke a cigarette.

current mood: bitchy

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Saturday, March 7th, 2009
10:45 pm - I once had a girl, or should I say she once had me.
One thing that really bothers me is how when you go to playlist.com and type in 'the beatles', no results show. So retarded.

Ive been thinking a lot the past few days. About where i want my life to go. Or what my fantasy life would be. So i think im going to try and make that happen.

TO: start this off. Im about 75 percent sure Us room mates and the girls that we have gotten really close to are all gonna move in together in north carolina/southern region. Though im not a huge fan of country music, i think i could stomach it. this will take place at the end of july. Im sick of this place, how it makes me feel, how every single day is the same. i will really fucking miss a few people though, and it might kill me. But i feel its time to do this. But. this also means i will be taking another semester off. my dad will not be very happy. My mom will probably cry :( it wont be easy.

I still am looking for a second job. to save up money. Its gonna suck because im probably not going to be able to take my car as its really my dads. So i have to think about that too.

there are some parts about maine i definitely wont miss though. And fuck that past.

but i will miss winter and fall the most. The leaves are amazing. I dont think theres much a season change, as in fall...in NC. So i will probably come to maine just to see the leaves. And the beautiful snow after an ice storm :)

we are looking for a place on the beach. We found a 6 BR house for rent for 2000. Which would be 222.22 a piece. Which means we would have to double up, which is completely fine with me. Ill probably sleep/pass out on the beach most of the time anyways. Its just really nice thinking about. And keeps my mind off things. but seriously. Im deathly excited.

But the past few days have been really really good. and tonight I have a looooong night of drinking!

So im gonna get to that.

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, February 24th, 2009
3:32 pm - Would you like to call the cops, do you think its time ive stopped?
so... I've been thinking. Ive been hearing alot about this 2012 nonsense. About scientists being madd paranoid about the world ending. I dont know anything of factual evidence. All i know is what i hear, so i actually know nothing. Im just venting. But anyways, apparently scientists are paranoid about two or maybe several major volcanoes erupting simultaneously and killing anything alive. Im sure whoever is reading this has probably heard it, and please correct me if im wrong.

But the point of me briefly explaining this is because I cant help to think of this possibly being true. And if it did ( through my eyes, of course ) I wonder if someone or something or whoever/whatever is punishing me because i didnt appreciate life in the past. (this coming from me in 2012) And now i wonder if i appreciate life now, will i be pardoned?

Believe me, I do not have a giant ego. I do not think the world revolves around me. But, what if this is something of a metaphor? For instance... I live life the way I have been living. And then 3 years from now, chaos is unleashed upon humanity, and everything turns into a liquid, or a fire, or what the fuck ever. But... if I turn things around and start picking myself up off the ground, what if nothing happens? And that would be the reward.

My point is, maybe I should at least try and do something better for myself. Things dont look like theyre going to get better if im embedded in all of this stupid depression. But ive never tried anything new, like bettering myself. So maybe I have nothing to lose.

(Muff, i know this is pleasing you :)

There are many things i love about life now. But most of them are negative things. Well harmful things, i should say. I love smoking and drinking, but i know theyll kill me as well. So maybe if i start motivating myself ill actually realize that and slap myself in my face. I love pink floyd and the beatles, and i dont think that will change. I listen to them as kind of like a catalyst... if thats the right word. And it works, along with a few other things :)

But im kicking people out of my life, ive decided. the people that drag me down and arent worth a fucking thing thinking about. You know who you are.

Im sure i just sound like a typical 20 year old, and i apologize.

The overall point is.... I'd rather live a long, happy life, than a short depressed life. Who Wouldn't? The hard part is finding this hope through whats been holding me back. Which is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

But on a different note, things have been going okay. Im not completely broke, as in I have like 100 dollars (but these are my faults). I still have a job. I have a place of rest. I have great friends that i would die for without a doubt. Maybe the only thing holding me back is me. Which completely makes sense.

Whatever it is, Ill give it straight thought tomorrow, as I am not thinking very soberly.

current mood: calm

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Friday, January 30th, 2009
5:27 pm - rocky had come equipped with a gun to shoot off the legs of his rivals.
and i had no idea.

dont you wish?

things are clear and evident now.

theres no changing

now whats left to figure out is what i need more. a friend? a sane brain? maybe theres a way to do both. or maybe that will just complicate things.

oh i dont know. or i could just let it go, but i dont think thats possible, it would get to me somehow, someway.

today i tore my room apart in hopes of finding something to keep my mind off things. I came across this really stupid wooden logo... i guess you could call it. i made it 8th grade, when i was going though a pantera phase. and then i broke it into a bunch of pieces.

See. I dont necessarily need a catalyst, but i need something to channel everything out on. but nothing comes to mind except the norm.

but its all okay. because it doesnt really matter i guess, because in the end my existence wont matter, and neither will yours. I mean, everyone has their own guesses as to what comes after death. but after we die, it doesnt matter because we are dead and theres no point in arguing it. Im confusing the hell out of you. i apologize for that.

everythings all mixed up.

I went to montreal last weekend. It was amazing. you cant smoke joints on the busiest street in maine in the daylight. Plus i had a ridiculous amount of alcohol. i had a hangover for two days. then came down with a cold. but montreal is awesome. i kinda wanna move there.

this whole week has been fucking horrible. Im not gonna bother with it, because thats my business. but lets just say im lucky to not be dead. i guess.

i should get a second job. but i hate working with customers. I hate working with other people unless they have their own shit to worry about. im also soo lazy. but i need to find something to keep me distracted.

i need a brain shock i think.

soooo in conclusion, i could say im gonna try and better myself, maybe stick to just smoking pot instead of other shit. maybe stop drinking. the list goes on and on. but most likely, i have given up hope, and im just gonna be like a

oh... and by the way. CATHERINE FUCKING AUDET. Im surprised you havent fucked my other best friend yet.

just let.it.be.

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Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
3:59 pm
her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she doesnt have a lot to say
her majesty's a pretty nice girl but she changes from day to day
I wanna tell her i love her a lot,
but i gotta get a belly full of wine
her majesty's a pretty nice girl,
someday im gonna make her mine, oh yeah
someday im gonna make her mine.

So its been awhile since ive had a list entry
(not that anyone gives a hoot, but i enjoy thinking about these things :)
Top 10 cds:
abbey road-the beatles
white album-the beatles
the wall-pink
dark side of the moon-floyd
wish you were here-pink
led zeppelin (album)
the sound of silence-simon and garfunkel

I guess there isnt much further these lists can take me..

that about sums it up

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Saturday, December 6th, 2008
5:20 pm - im warning you, its going to be one of those entries.
I dont know where to start. this ongoing battle with myself is not getting any better. I just feel it getting worse and worse. I want so many things to happen, too many things. Im just going to be completely honest. i dont care who reads this, it doesnt matter to me anymore. So i apologize in advance if i let anyone down from what you will read. Save your comments, im not looking for pity, i just want everyone to know that im not sheltering myself because i hate everybody.

Which is kind of true. I do have an excessive amount of rage in me. But no matter how hard I try i cant push myself to do anything about it. Ive been going to a doctor now for a few months. And its okay. I mean the medicine i get isnt exactly great because i cant afford much. Sometimes it helps, most of the time it doesnt. I honestly dont feel my emotions are anything that a medicine can solve. I will always find a way to make myself sad. Im not sure why but i feel like its the only thing i can do right, without fucking up. No matter what, i will always let you down. Maybe its me being selfish, i dont know. All i know is I will never be straight with myself. I will die of this.

I feel sick to my stomach everyday of my life. I cant focus on anything long enough to really care about. Except for music. I just feel like vomiting every morning I awake. And each turn i take on the road i want to turn just a little bit more so i go flying into the woods or off a cliff or something. but i never do, theres always something stopping me from finishing myself off. Im not sure if its my self fulfilling prophecy or if its just something im waiting for thats never going to happen. But i realize its never going to happen, so it must be something afar from that. my head hurts so bad. it feels like its going to bust open.

Ive lied and told you all i dont feel guilty for anything. that i dont feel regret. Well I lied, and i apologize for that, but each minute im alive is another minute i feel sorry for past things Ive done. I admit that ive used several drugs the past few months thinking that it would somehow give me insight to myself, maybe that it could somehow make me realize something about myself which in turn would help me put myself together. Ive also used drugs just to feel something other than nausea. Most of the time i just smoke pot. Which always helps my mind, but never really fixes anything. I realize it never will, and its such a fucking dent in my wallet. But i feel like if i stop using it then i will end up dead. Ive smoked probably everyday for the past 90 days, and i can honestly say I dont feel any better than i did 3 months ago. which is why im going to cut back, not quit, just take it easy on the stuff. I know its not going to fix me so whats the point of using it so often. Most of the times i use it when im down. Which is all the time.

I know a lot of people think im in this slump because of something that happened last january. Its really not. I admit that i turned into an alcoholic for a half year following the incident, but thats only because i found an excuse to drink. Maybe im misusing the word hate. I do have alot of rage, but im not sure if thats because of hate. I honestly dont think i have a hateful heart. I raging heart maybe, but not hate. I dont hate catherine, or alex, or merrill, or shawn, or really anyone. I just dont know about anything. I dont trust a lot of people, but I am extremely naive and i feel like thats part of my problem.

and i have no real talents. Dont think what i think youre going to think because its not true. Not even considerable. Im so narrowminded, and just so one dimensional sometimes. And i can vouge for when i say that when i smoke and write, it really helps.

I sold my crate half stack for a ridiculously low price. Im mad at myself for that. But i only did it to buy a new head, because that crate sucks. I got an ibanez head, and its worth being broke this week. I mean ive been broke the past few months and it sucks, but all i spend my money on is stupid shit when i really should be paying micaiah and jeff, and corey and tom back. Which i do plan on doing, i just dont know why i do the things I do. I confuse myself. i have -3 dollars in my account right now, and its only going to get worse as the week continues. But its so worth it. The ibanez is nice, its beautiful. I dont miss much anyways. I sleep most of the time. And the other times im just in my room either playing music or making music. My time isnt exactly valuable. my next day off is the 20th. I didnt go in today because i was just too shitty. I didnt need to be there anyways. im working 20 days straight, i dont think it matters if i take a day off for myself.

I dont know if its because of past relationships or what but i cant see myself being with another girl for a long time. dont get me wrong, the only thing I want right now is a girlfriend, but i just cant do it. It makes me so nervous. Every pretty girl that comes into irving makes me nervous, and usually just end up hiding out back so they dont have to see me. not to mention im so fucking self centered i would ruin any chances of a relationship. I just need someone sweet and faithful and will let me do what i need to do so i dont slice my veins.

And I have a bloody nose from blowing my nose every 2 minutes in the past hour. but i cant stop blowing my nose because its so clogged. I have such a migraine. I need to sleep, but i cant. I cant.

maybe this medicine has helped me in one way. Because i never would post this without lying.

Sometimes it turns into way too much to handle.

People tell me things, how to live my life, how to deal with things because they care about. At least thats what i think. I know how it is. Im a realistic person. I understand that you dont have to hang out to be friends. Its the way you help eachother, benefit from eachother. And this is why i think my closest friend is micaiah. I love her with all of my heart. I would die for her, for any reason, no matter how absurd that reason is. I would die for her, and any of my siblings/parents, and my buddy chris brown. These are people I love and always will. I dont have to love you to be your friend. Ive had some friends that have kind of stabbed me in the back. But that doesnt really matter to me. Im not sure why. Its not that ive forgiven them, because that word doesnt really relate to me. Its more of a matter of what mood im in... i guess, if that makes any sense at all. I know its fucked up of me to hate catherine and not hate the others. Which is why im just cleaning off the slate. I dont give a shit anymore. I understand that if u stab me once you will probably stab me again, but i dont care. It doesnt matter to me. I stab myself in the back everyday, i always fuck myself over but i dont do anything about it. so whats the point?

What im saying is I dont care what you did in the past. Im not you, therefore I dont know how you feel, when you feel, or how you deal with things. I just know from personal experiences that no one should tell you how to act under circumstances, like how to feel, what to do or anything really unless you yourself understand this. Or are asked for advice, opinions, etc..

This is in no regards a confession of my love for catherine, which is non existent. Im just saying theres no point hating her or alex or aaron or anyone else. its not going to change anything. Its just going to turn me into a different person, which has already happened. I dont forgive because my mind changes constantly and i never know if im going to be nice or mean to you.

im sick of writing. goodbye

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